How I spent Elijah's birthday

Wow, it's only been a weekend but I have so many things to share.  The retreat this weekend was wonderful, but I can't talk about that yet.  Today is Elijah's birthday (really, his due date anniversary).  Elijah, our first child, was due on January 13th, 2012.  He was only with us for a very short time but his life impacted ours forever and we will never be the same.  (Elijah's story is found here.)

The only picture I have of my first baby, Elijah

As a pregnant-after-a-loss mom, I have this strange mix of feelings: grief and sadness, excitement and joy, mixed with guilt and tinged with fear.  How can I be happy today for the baby growing inside me when my first baby should be with me right now?  It feels like I am almost betraying him.  I know that God would never want me to feel that way, and neither would Elijah, but I can't help it.  Those thoughts still cross my mind.

Out of all the places to be during my heaven-child's first birthday, kneeling in front of an altar in front of our Lord Jesus (in the form of the Eucharist) was probably the most peaceful and appropriate for me.  My day started at 5:30am for an hour of adoration in front of the blessed sacrament, which was beautiful and gave me the opportunity to pray for Elijah and ask Jesus to take care of him and to sing him Happy Birthday (in my head, other people were around).  At different times throughout the day, I thought about him.  Luckily I was able to get through the day filled with lots of prayer, talks and fellowship with other Catholics, including going to Mass, and that really helped to lift my spirits and get me through the day.

On our way home from the retreat, I mentioned to Art that today should have been Elijah's birthday.  My loving husband had just the right words to remind me that Elijah is still with us and prays for us and helped to bring us Sweet Pea.  We left the subject there, on a high note.

Tonight we went out for dinner to have a nice date night.  I just felt that it was appropriate; in my own way it was my little celebration for my first child's birthday.  So I got a little extra dressed up and we had a great time at a Mexican restaurant called Garibaldi's.  It was my first time there and I love to try new restaurants.  It was such a great date.

I want to share so much more about my weekend but I just want this to be about Elijah, so I will leave it here.  Can't wait for my doctor's appointment tomorrow!