Friday, November 23, 2012

Trying To Conceive After Loss

Grief is a process, and I've heard that it is not uncommon to look at time differently after losing someone that you love.  You start to think of things in terms of "before loss" and "after loss".  After our loss, in August 2011 we re-started our trying to conceive journey, this time trying to conceive after loss.  Luckily, early on in this journey I was blessed to find a wonderful, supportive online community of fellow loss moms who were also trying to conceive again.  I can honestly say that those women helped get me through so many difficult times and kept things in perspective for me.

I faithfully charted my basal body temperature every morning as well as other body signs and recorded all of them daily to determine when my fertile time was.  We timed everything well month after month, but every month I got my hopes up only to have them crushed.  For the first few months I tried to keep a positive attitude; after all, we were just lucky to get pregnant on the first month the first time around.  But with every month that passed I felt more and more depressed.  Why couldn't this happen for us?  Why wasn't God letting us get pregnant?  I dreaded hearing about other women's good news because while I was happy for them, I was just so sad for us.  I was sad for the fact that we didn't have Elijah in our lives and sad about the fact that I couldn't get pregnant again.

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